Hmmmmmmmm...where to begin.
Ok, so the whole Catherine coming home. Let me state a few facts up front, and then ramble from there. It was a great surprise. I love her very much. I am always proud of her. I do like having her home. That being said......
Confessions :
Within the first 7 days Of her being home, I asked her twice when her return airfare was for, I threatened to beat her silly, and told her I considered killing her ( by pinching her little head off). Most of these statements were said with a smile, I will not declare which ones were and which weren't.
I think I have stated previously in my blog how much I do enjoy living by myself. I like the peace and quiet, I like the lack of conflict, I like only having to pick up after myself.
Things I remembered after Catherine came back home.
I do not like her leaving her dirty dishes all over the living room. I do not like her setting her dirty dishes on the EDGE of the kitchen sink. Not IN the sink, not BESIDE the sink, but she sets them, actually, LINES them up along the EDGE of the sink. I do not like being told that she will get something done, and then, it does not happen.
In her defense, these things do not happen constantly. She has picked up her bathroom, the living room, the kitchen, mowed the lawn (twice), picked up some fencing materials and demoed them so they would fit in the trash can, painted part of an apartment, and spent a day running my errands with me (which, she hates with a passion).
Catherine came into my room, within 6 days of being home, proclaiming that being home "sucked". There was nothing to do, no where to go, blah, blah, blah..........So, I said, "suck it up". I told her "this is the same place you left", and that "she could chose to make the most of time here", and that it will only "suck" if she allows it to. I told her lots of things in my life have "sucked". Getting a divorce, her going away to college so far away, seeing my granddaughter move to Austin, and Rob and Cindy moving to San Marcus. (just to name a few).......but, that I had chosen to make the best of all of those situations, and made them be "ok" for me, since there was nothing else I could do about it, and that she should and could do likewise if she chose to.
So here is my point. As I am expressing myself to some friends, I start to notice the "shocked" or "mortified" looks on their faces. At some point, the realization slaps me in the face, "Jami, maybe you are not the loving, caring, nurturing mom you always thought of yourself as". I confess, I think, secretly, I have taken a considerable amount of credit for my girls being successful in their lives. For the most part, I was a single mom for Catherine (she was 6 when her dad and I split), and Jessica was 12, and Jennifer was 16. They are now almost 19, 25, and 28, respectfully. Now, I am thinking that maybe, just maybe, they are successful IN SPITE of me, not BECAUSE of me!
So, I had a discussion with Catherine about this "insight" of mine. And apparently, I am NOT a nurturing mom. Apparently, I don't give off the warm fuzzy's that I think I do. Now I ask, "How can that be?!" How can one reach the ripe old age of 49 and not know they type of parent she is.
Let me be clear here. I do not think I am a BAD mother. I still believe I am a good mom, the best mom I can be..........that is not my point. I am not bashing myself here, I am just acknowledging outwardly and openly that I am still learning about myself.
So, now the question becomes. Can I change, do I want to change, and would change do me any good at this point? Let's face it. The girls are grown and raised. I have pretty much done all of the damage, or good I can do.
I would say that I will make every effort to be a different type of grandmother than I have been as a mom, but quite honestly, that is already the case. I was a pretty strict mom, and I am not a very strict grandmother, just for starters.
So, I think I will take my own advise and just "suck it up". I will accept who and what I have been. I will adhere to Cindy's philosophy of "asking forgiveness and not permission". I love God, my kids, my parents, my grandbaby(s), my friends, and my life.
I hope you all feel the same about yours.
Confessions of a Mediocre Mother
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Posted by Jami at 10:50 AM
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3 comments:
Hey Jamie, I loved what you said but this is my opinion. I think our kids are who they are partly because of us and partly inspite of us. I think you are a good mom. beth irwin
I think you're a good mom. I might not always like being home, but I like who I am.
Well, although we love you for who you are, nurturing/warm-fuzzy and strict are not mutually exclusive. You don't have to be a total push over to be nurturing, or if you are a disciplinarian it does not mean that you are not necessarily not warm. I don't think at all that it was your discipline that made us feel that you are not a warm fuzzy mom... that comes more from "honest" truth that sometimes hurts, or that famous sense of humor at someone our expense thing that we have talked about...anyhow, no matter we love you and wouldnt' want you any different!
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